Be Cool, honey-bunny

It really hit me today. Sunday. Day six of my Guatemalan adventura. Here are the basic facts as I know them to be true:
1. This trip was born from a unanticipated breakup with Eric. (or as some would argue, totally anticipated. But that´s for another time)
2. I had no plans for traveling solo this year.
3. I had no idea that I was to be visiting Central America in the forseeable future.
4. This was TOTALLY last minute planning...

I would be liar if I didn´t outwardly admit to being, well - sad. I know, it seems silly. I mean who in their right mind would or could be sad when surrounded by this picturesque lake, the clouds, the sun, the people, and all these amazing experiences? Me. Becuase I miss Eric. And sometimes, even when I´m engaged in the most brilliant activity with the most outragous cast of characters, I think of him. And other times, when I´m totally alone (which is obviously most of the time) I don´t. Today, however, I started out in a not-so-great mindset. Ah, but hold on... I´m okay. I really am. But alas, let me share with you my Sunday and how I got a bit closer to okay.

I haven´t been sleeping very well since my arrival. In fact, I have yet to sleep through an entire night. I keep waking up and not falling back to sleep for hours at some points. Maybe it´s the idea that I´m sleeping alone in a strange room in Guatemala. Or maybe it´s just that I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the past couple months (or last year and a half to be totally honest) and it´s just catching up with me when I can finally allow it to. Either way, I woke this morning (Sunday) with very little energy and a lackluster show of excitement for my day.

I went to the dining area this morning and sat out on the terrace while having my traditional Guate breakfast of coffee and pan tostada (toast). I decided to finish off book #2 (I can´t remember the last time I read two novels in a week) before heading out to today´s destination: San Marcos. I´ve worked so hard at not thinking about Eric and pushing sad thoughts out of my mind whenever they threaten, that I began to notice a void in my experiences and ability to truly process this trip and all the things which led up to it. It´s like whenever I start feeling those darker things, I do my best to rationalize them away and try to escape them. And God knows I´ve gotten lots of practice at doing those things when it comes to my relationship Eric. But this morning, it wasn´t happening. the thoughts were so present and so vivid that there was no escape. And the next thing I knew, I was crying. That´s right, crying. Crying while overlooking the magnificent beauty of Lake Atitlan and realizing in an instant that if I had to be emotional, there were very few better places on the planet to do so. Plus, it had been just about week since I´ve cried over him, and apparently there was quite the build up, let me tell you.

After a necesary time passed, I wiped away my tears and with much conviction to set out on my day. I needed an energy shift and I needed it badly.

Enter San Marcos.

San Marcos is a few villages away that is refuted to be the spiritual center of the Lake, and according to many, one of the strongest spirtiual centers on earth. After a short trip on the water to San Marcos, I disembarked from the boat and began walking up the little hill, following signs pointing me in the direction of massages, cafes, holistic centers, hostels and the like. San Marcos is unlike anywhere I´d ever been. Between the roving hippies and the true "healers" walking the streets (and I say streets lightly, as they are just cobblestone walkways with zero cars) everyone appeared mellow. Really mellow. San Marcos gives a whole new meaning to passive and quaint Central American village. It was love at first sight.

I sought out a woman I had heard about named Beatrise. Everyone I talked to about wanting a massage pointed me in her direction. Now, keep in mind that essentially every other hotel, cafe or healing center offered massages or some kind of hippy body work to straighten out chakras (which, if you know me, excited me to no end). But Beatrise seemed it for me on this day.

When I found her at her home and practice, she was just sitting out drinking tea in her gardens. She asked what it was I came for - I assumed she wanted to know if I wanted a swedish or relaxation massage - but that apparently really wasn´t at all what she wanted to know. Thankfully our language barrier (she was very, very French) made it so I didn´t have to delve into stuff about Eric or my robbery or anything else painfully annoying. She seemed to already know why I was there and just wanted to me to own up to it. So, I muttered a few comments about last minute travel plans, something about Alaska and having no cash. And with that, I followed her to the back of her property where we entered a peaceful little hut with only a massage table and very stark, yet tasteful, walls. I paid her upfront, as she requested, and let her do what she wanted with me...

**Ok, if any disucssion of chakras, mind-body allignment or most things spiritual freak you out or make you uncomfortable, you may just want to skip this part of my narritve and catch up at the bottom of the page. (And don´t think I don´t know who you are.) For the rest, let me continue.

Beatrice determined that I needed "energy work". (Well no shit. The fucking garbage collector could have told me that. I just got done with Cryfest guatemala 2007 for Christsakes) But alas, she did seem to have an aura of "knowing" about her, and I have a very open mind to this sorta thing, so why not just give in.

She spent the next hour doing who-knows-what to me. All I can say forsure is that I had a few moments during my session where I was a bit disconnected from myself and when it was over, I had a certain airy-ness I can´t assign specific words to, and am not going to attempt to do so. But it was cool. Seriously cool. The cynic in me says that I just WANT to believe she did some energy healing, and therefore I felt something. The practical part of me says that regardless of what she did or did not do, I was laying on a table in a serene village in the heart of Guatemala while a French woman cared deeply for me, and that in and of itself is highly energizing. Regardless of how or what she did, I left there with a different sense of my trip and why I am here.

Afterwards, I spent the next 3 hours just wandering around San Marcos petting dogs, drinking coffee and hanging out with a bunch of travlers in beautiful hostels and gardens. Oh yeah, all that mellow-ness I referred to earlier? Yeah, it´s cuz everyone is stoned. When in rome...

So, upon the completion of the first week of my trip, I am becoming very clear about many things. I now know I can´t always escape sadness and perhaps giving into it is the most cleansing and healthy option of all. And in doing so, I realized that this trip isn´t an escape. In fact, it´s quite the opposite. Being at home in Chicago I was able to surround myself with phone calls to loved ones, lose myself in work and generally just fill the void and sadness I was feeling about Eric or anything else that confused or upset me. Here, in the middle of the mountains of Guatemala all alone, there is no escpae from myself. Perhaps had I known this trip was going to unravel my mind and force me to recreate and examine certain aspects of my self-awareness, I may have chickened out. Thankfully, that never dawned on me.